Belonging is one of the most vital human needs. The need for belonging begins at childbirth and extends until we take our last breath. But what is belonging? Is it the number of friends one has on social media? Or could it be the number of clubs we belong to? Does our socio-economic status increase our belonging?
The answer to each of the above questions is no. Belonging is based on two essential life situations. First, belonging occurs when we have those we genuinely care for and care for us. Think of those you might turn to at the most challenging moments in your life. Second, belonging results from frequent, pleasant interactions. These are more than having drinks together after work. Belonging interactions are when we get to know another person and share our deepest felt thoughts with them.
Those who thrive on self-sufficiency and individuality struggle with belonging. Belonging increases with obligations and expectations coming from looking out for each other. Those who view others as being in their group or out of their group also struggle with belonging. Social exclusion of others based on their biology or socio-economic status is detrimental to belonging in our lives and threatens the sense of belonging to those we consider “other”.
Belonging begins with compassion and genuine caring. It develops over a period of time. It is not a casual undertaking. Belonging is also not based on a scorecard of favors extended and favors received.
In her book, The Power of Meaning, Emily Esfahani Smith describes belonging as the most important driver of having a life of meaning. We live in a society that is electronically connected, but does that equate to belonging? Perhaps the following questions can help us assess our belonging.
- Who might we turn to discuss one of our most troubling challenges?
- Who would we support, even when such support might be detrimental to ourselves?
- Who would we feel comfortable calling at 3 AM with a personal emergency?
- Who would we reach out to and challenge when we see them doing something self-destructive?
These are just a few of the belonging questions we might ask. Estimates are that one-third of Americans describe themselves as being lonely. Interestingly, that percentage is much lower in developing nations. The trappings of socio-economic states do not translate into a higher level of belonging.
Belonging results from
- Truly caring for others.
- Avoiding matching of favors given/received.
- Maintaining regular contact.
- Being comfortable sharing your vulnerability with others.
- Being there for others in times of their need.
The question that all of us need to ask ourselves is: “Who would we say is in our belonging community?”
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“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”-Brene Brown